Petition to Change the Phrase “Fingers Crossed” to “Croissant Deterrent”
We have long known that the phrase “Fingers Crossed” is outdated and disgustingly ableist. For centuries, the act of finger-crossing symbolized unity and the summoning of good spirits, in the hope of a wish coming true or a stroke of luck to occur. But what about the people who don’t have fingers?
I, for example, recently lost all 9 of my fingers* when I tried testing out two garbage disposals at once at an IKEA. I should have known that you should always stick your hand down one garbage disposal at a time, whilst the other hand remains firmly rested on the “Off” switch next to the drain. That is the safe way to test, and I admit I was a Careless Clyde. But now I am forced to live out my days, typing articles with the mind-melting speed of my head as I smash my nose onto each letter. Most of my articles are just blurs to me, as I rear my head up between each word to make sure I typed it correctly, blood geysering from my nostrils as my face continues to get pounded by the keyboard. Entire months have gone by without me being entirely sure of what I wrote at all — but as you can see by my incredible spelling skills, I’m a better person than you.
And yet I need luck. I need it more than you — I don’t have fingers! I can never grab a frosted cola, or grasp the ruffled cone of a chocomint iced cream. And when I tell people I’m going in for surgery to replace my fingers with 9 ballpoint pens, they all tell me “Fingers crossed.”
I’m furious, and it’s time we petition to change the phrase forever. Here’s my proposition: Change “Fingers crossed” to “Croissant deterrent.”
Why, you ask? According to Billingsley Word Depot, the most premium of all word study huts in the world, the most beautiful phrase in the English language is “Croissant deterrent.” This title was previously held by “Cellar door,” and before that the top spot was taken by “Judicious puddle.” For one brief 24-hour period in 1996, the most beautiful phrase was “Cavernous shitbrisket,” but that’s because the internet was invented that day and of course the first person to ever use it was a trickster.
After years of differently-fingered or fingerless peoples being traumatised routinely by this atrocious, insensitive phrase, it’s time we replace it with something beautiful. And that’s why “Fingers crossed” should become “Croissant deterrent.”
Enjoy these sample dialogues as to how you can use it in every day life:
BILL: I am going into a deadly job interview today.
JESSICA: Croissant deterrent.
BILL: It is a job interview for bears. Six bears.
JESSICA: Wow okay, well, croissant deterrent.
BILL: B. Barry Hussein Nobama has wrecked our economy, the only jobs available are ones for beasts of the strong fur, so here goes nothing.
JESSICA: I said “Croissant deterrent” Bill, now run in an opposite direction from me.
WAR GENERAL: Sir, the aliens are shaped like giant croissants and they’re invading our atmosphere as we speak this sample dialogue.
PRESIDENT B. BARRY HUSSEIN NOBAMA: I am going to push the red button on my Oval desk. Croissant deterrent.
WAR GENERAL: Yes.
NOBAMA: That was two things at once.
WAR GENERAL: I caught that, sir.
MICHAEL: Did you hear about Bill? He is getting into a bear pit with a resume. Might get severely nibbled.
JOE: Croissant deterrent.
MICHAEL: Very funny, yes I hate him too and hope it happens. I will deter my croissants as well.
Incredible.
Share this article if you think we should get on the right side of history, today!
*I lost my 10th finger in a garbage disposal at IKEA in an unrelated incident, years prior.
